MAKING CONFLICT SERVE US & TAKING A NIGHTLY WALK

 

Oftentimes, the quickest way to figure out what works is to experience what doesn’t. In our marriage we’ve found that nothing shuts down romance faster than letting small everyday frustrations go unchecked: The pile of dirty dishes. The phone at the dinner table. The shoes left in the doorway—again. If not fully addressed, these minor irritations outgrow themselves, choking out any romance that would spontaneously bud. 

 

But if we are proactive about these grievances, we can actually make conflict serve us. Instead of stealing from our closeness, conflict can lead us into deeper intimacy as it gives us an opportunity to make our spouse feel seen and heard in a moment of vulnerability. And while it’s not roses and chocolate, the experience of having your emotions validated can be very romantic! It felt counterintuitive, but once we stopped accepting conflict as an inevitable pest to be tolerated, we were able to see it as a springboard for deeper connection. 

 

When an instance of conflict arises, our goal is to pursue the other’s heart, to engage in a way that considers more than the surface-level issue (It’s usually not just about the dishes!). These intentions come across most clearly to the other when we:

 

• Drop everything. Give the other our full attention: phone put away, chores on pause, distractions at a minimum. Nothing starts a spin-off fight quite as quickly as an errant eye on the TV.
• Make eye contact and engage in simple physical touch.
• Validate the other’s feelings. Even as we’re so sure we could argue our spouse out of an emotion, empathy comes first. Even if we don’t think the other should feel angry. Even when we don’t understand why unfolded laundry could be overwhelming. First and foremost is taking care of the other’s heart, and that means listening well to make the other feel seen and heard. This is usually ¾ of the battle.

 

When we intentionally navigate would-be conflicts in these simple ways, we have many times found ourselves naturally holding hands, either wanting to spend more time in conversation or shift gears to a more lighthearted activity—but almost always wanting to spend time together.

 

Another regular practice that helps us rekindle romance is taking a nightly walk. While we used to sit on the couch after dinner to process our respective days, a wise mentor once made the game-changing recommendation that we move our conversation to a short walk around the neighborhood at the end of the day.[1] This has become an (almost) nightly routine in the Evans household. Not only does this help us meet our step goals for the day, but we have found that we are much more dialed into what the other is saying while we stroll the neighborhood. We are less likely to immediately reach to answer a text or email while on the move, nor are we tempted to interrupt our conversation to do the dishes or tidy up Jack’s toys since we’re out of the house.

 

Professional counselors also claim that holding a conversation while on a walk is a simple form of “bilateral stimulation,” a brain-healthy activity that alternatively stimulates both sides of the brain, helping the brain to process information and emotion more efficiently. A quick google search will show that bilateral stimulation has even been used by therapists to treat a variety of mental and emotional disorders. While we are certainly not psychologists, our usual “So, how was your day?” conversation has blossomed into an enjoyable, intimate tradition that the both of us look forward to at the end of the day.

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[1] Interestingly, this is one of the few sentiments of C.S. Lewis that we disagree with, who once cheekily wrote “Walking and talking are two very great pleasures, but it is a mistake to combine them” (Surprised by Joy, 142).