NOTICE WHAT GOES RIGHT

 

Early morning coffee on the front porch, excitement over catching the song of a new bird on our Merlin App, sharing an engaging chat over a good read, and working together in the yard on a cool evening are all activities that create an atmosphere of romance for us.

These are some of the joys we have discovered in this season of our lives, but long ago, we learned the importance of choosing other behaviors that help encourage the kind of healthy relationship that fosters an environment for romance.

It is not hard to focus on all that is wrong in our world.  One quick click on our phone to the news spotlight of the day will remind us of all the woes in our economy, politics, climate, and humanity in general.  It can be downright depressing.  And, if we are honest, this negativity easily works its way into our thoughts, which in turn seeps into our attitudes and conversations. 

Even worse than this, however, is a natural tendency to focus on our own individual needs and wants in exclusion of consideration for each other.  All of this can set the stage for an environment of negativity that entices us to notice all that is wrong in our world and even in our relationship, and it is ever so easy to allow that to dominate our conversations.

Early in our ministry, we recognized the need for additional counseling skills beyond what our degrees of study had provided.  As we sought further training, we were introduced to the works of psychiatrist, Dr. William Glasser, whose innovations in individual counseling, work and school environments highlighted personal choice, personal responsibility and personal transformation.  

Dr. Glasser identified seven deadly habits that destroy relationships:        

            CRITICIZING
            BLAMING
            COMPLAINING
            NAGGING
            THREATENING
            PUNISHING
            BRIBING OR REWARDING TO CONTROL

When our attitudes and conversation are characterized by these behaviors, negativity abounds and there is little room for healthy relationship. True intimacy and romance do not stand much of a chance.

Dr. Glasser also identified seven caring habits that improve relationships:

            SUPPORTING
            ENCOURAGING
            LISTENING
            ACCEPTING
            TRUSTING
            RESPECTING
            NEGOTIATING DIFFERENCES

When we choose these behaviors, our attitudes are more positive and a healthy relationship, true intimacy and romance have room to flourish.

We find that choosing these caring behaviors makes it easier to maintain positive attitudes towards each other, which in turn, makes it easier for us to choose to notice what goes right in our marriage.  To take it one-step further, we believe it is super important to talk about what goes right.

In their recent blog, Catie and Dr. Tyler acknowledged that sometimes romance happens naturally or spontaneously, but sometimes it takes effort.  Certainly, that is true for us. 

In October, we will celebrate 39 years of marriage and romance.  Our plan is to continue celebrating in the years to come by noticing what goes right in our relationship and talking about it.  We hope you will join us.

 

“A gentle word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Proverbs 15:1